The Struggle to Conceive
After years of hoping to start a family, including the painful rollercoaster of fertility treatment and a devastating miscarriage on Christmas Day, Caroline found that the only way to find peace again was to accept that it wasn’t going to happen and build a different future. This meant overcoming what she calls the “don’t give up” narrative.
The Journey to Parenthood
Like many people, Caroline and her husband Gareth, whom she met at school, almost took it for granted that they would have children when the time came. They spend their whole lives trying not to get pregnant, and Caroline just assumed that as soon as she stopped trying, she would get pregnant. Almost one in five women in the UK have no children, and this can be for a variety of reasons, including personal choices. But some simply find that the family life they imagined isn’t happening.
The Road to Acceptance
After failing to conceive for a year, Caroline and Gareth went to the GP. A round of IVF in the UK was followed by further rounds abroad – a process filled with anxious appointments, medication, and injections. At the same time, Caroline watched her friends get pregnant and have children of their own. For anyone in Caroline’s situation, seeing a parent with a stroller can be painful and a source of nagging envy. This feeling consumed her and changed who she was.
A Turning Point
Then, in November six years ago, Caroline’s friends were proven right out of the blue. Not trying seemed to have worked. She and Gareth had lived in a large farmhouse in Rutland, and they had just moved into a small cottage in a village, a kind of acceptance that the big family they had dreamed of would not exist. As the holidays approached, they began sharing the good news with friends and family. Then Gareth went out on Christmas morning to look after the dairy herd, and when he returned, Caroline had lost the baby. The timing and the way it happened felt cruel.
Moving Forward
The miscarriage was a turning point for Caroline and Gareth. It felt like they both knew it was time to let go, but that in itself required a tremendous effort. Caroline threw herself into work, and during the second round of IVF, she had started her business selling cookies with personalized messages. If people initially said her business was her baby, she would balk, but these days she finds it comforting. After all, it’s something she’s been nursing for a decade.
Finding Peace
A decade of IVF had changed Caroline’s relationship with her own body. She focused on one thing that her body couldn’t do, but she took up long-distance running and instead of berating her body for its failures, she began celebrating what it could do. She has now completed four half and full marathons, while Gareth is completing his sixth. Caroline loves the life she has, and she no longer feels that direct sense of loss. It’s a different, a gentler kind of sadness now.
A New Perspective
Over time, Caroline has found a greater sense of peace. Even that comes with feelings of guilt, wondering if coming to terms with her childlessness means she didn’t want it enough or try hard enough. She knows that this is still the “don’t give up” message that gnaws at her conscience. Growing up, we were taught that effort equals results, but often that’s not how it works. Life can still have meaning and purpose, even if it looks drastically different than expected.
