Introduction to Casual Sex and Emotional Boundaries
Casual sex is not inherently harmful, but for some people, overlooking personal needs or emotional boundaries can take an emotional toll. Despite the promise of freedom and easy intimacy, dates don’t always feel empowering. For some women, they can lead to unexpected feelings of exhaustion.
The Complexity of Postcoital Dysphoria
Heather, a 40-year-old woman from the US, describes this tension as leaving her feeling "empty, sad and momentarily strengthened, but always wanting more." During casual sex, she regularly tried to shut off her emotions, which felt like she was cutting off “a part” of herself. Her description of the negative side of hookup culture is consistent with a little-researched condition called postcoital dysphoria (PCD), in which people report negative emotions such as tears, sadness or irritability after sex.
Understanding the Motivations and Results
The motivations are mixed, as are the results. “I don’t think I’m cut out for dating culture,” said Ishta, a French-Indian woman in her 30s. "I crave contact more than sex. I would often hope that… [sexual] My partner would develop feelings for me or that we would start dating." Sexual desire is a complex phenomenon. Some studies show that women’s sexual desire can be shaped by the need for emotional closeness and relationship characteristics, which can make distancing during sex more difficult.
The Impact of Societal Expectations on Women
Tara Suwinyattichaiporn, a professor of sexual and relational communication, argues that this is often due to the way women are raised. "Women were raised from a young age to be caring, warm and nurturing – qualities that are the opposite of detachment and insensitivity. It is significantly more difficult for women to embody detachment." PCD symptoms can occur when the desire for closeness goes unrewarded. A person’s self-esteem can also compound the problem.
Breaking the Pattern with Mindfulness
Mindfulness is important when it comes to breaking the pattern. Youngest studies of predominantly North American couples found that those who were more mindful – meaning they paid attention to their sensations and emotions during sex without judgment – reported better sexual function. Suwinyattichaiporn said many casual encounters lack this awareness. Casual sex often skips the conscious connection that grounds the experience emotionally.
Restoring Self-Esteem and Emotional Resilience
For those suffering from emotional burnout, Suwinyattichaiporn recommends taking time out from casual sex with partners to create space to slow down and think about what they feel and need without outside pressure. Therapy or coaching can provide insight into attachment patterns and help restore self-esteem that can be affected by emotionally stressful sexual experiences. Meditation can also support self-esteem and emotional resilience. Journaling and affirmations are additional tools. “Positive self-talk is extremely powerful and can change the way you view yourself and the world around you,” said Suwinyattichaiporn.
