Introduction to Lavender Marriages
Last year, a strange trend emerged on TikTok, where people, mainly Western and male, suggested that like-minded individuals propose a marriage of convenience with others seeking companionship, stability, and joint financial benefits. Love and sex were not necessary in these arrangements.
A Heteronormative Front
The term "lavender marriage" originated in Hollywood in the early 20th century, where image was everything, and being openly queer was not accepted. Unions between a man and a woman, where one or both partners were homosexual, provided a heteronormative cover, allowing stars and public personalities to maintain their reputation while shielding their true sexual orientation. These were not romantic partnerships but calculated arrangements that were criminalized or frowned upon at the time.
Why ‘Lavender’?
The term "lavender" has a long history in the LGBTQ+ community. The ancient Greek poet Sappho wrote about the delicate beauty of women and referenced "wreaths, garlands, or diademes of violets" placed on a girl’s slim neck. Although the sexual identities recognized today did not exist in her time, the words "Sapphisch" and "lesbians" come from her name and home island of Lesbos.
The History of Lavender Marriages
In the 1950s, the "Lavender Scare" in the United States led to the persecution of gay officials, with Senator Joseph McCarthy linking homosexuality to subversion and infidelity. This led to the LGBTQ+ rights movement claiming lavender as a color of solidarity and protest. The term "lavender marriage" reappeared, triggering conversations about the origins of such marriages of convenience and whether this once-hidden survival tactic could be repeated.
A TikTok Revival
Fast forward to the digital age, and the concept of lavender marriage was reinterpreted by Gen Z creators on TikTok. Users complained about the chaos of dating and introduced platonic domestic bliss as a potential solution. In September 2024, TikToker Robbie Scott started the trend, announcing that applications were open for potential lavender spouses. He encouraged users to marry him for practical benefits, such as paying a mortgage, supplying a company, and taxes, without expecting romance.
Romance Does Not Pay the Bills
While the TikTok trend may seem playful, it reflects deeper changes in how people view relationships. Marriage does not always have to be about romantic love; for some, it is a legal contract offering tangible benefits like tax benefits, health insurance, or co-parenting. In countries with increasing health and housing costs, marrying a trustworthy friend could offer stability. For others, it is about choosing emotional security over romantic volatility or sexual compatibility and building a mutually respectful partnership based on common values and goals.
Still a Sign of Survival in Some Societies
In addition to the TikTok trend, the original iteration of lavender marriages provides a sign of survival for people living in societies where LGBTQ+ lifestyles are still criminalized or culturally taboo. In China, "Xinghun" (or "cooperative marriage") allows LGBTQ+ partners to agree on residential agreements that meet family or social expectations while preserving individual orientations privately.
Criticisms and Concerns
Some critics argue that TikTok’s broader appropriation of the term "lavender marriage" as a "platonic legal agreement with benefits" overlooks the suppression of queer people. Experts warn that there is an emotional toll to living in marriages that bend one’s true self, whether for protection or convenience, which could lead to loneliness, resentment, or identity conflicts. Even in platonic arrangements, expectations must be clearly defined to avoid misunderstandings.
Love Through Lavender Tinted Glasses
The revival of lavender marriages is only one of several labels in the history and development of relationship agreements. For example, the term "Boston marriage" around the turn of the 20th century referred to two women living together regardless of financial support from a man. The #LavenderMarriage trend reflects a broader cultural change, namely the conscious decoupling of marriage from romanticism, and raises questions about what it means to build a life with someone and who decides what love, partnership, or marriage should look like.
