Finding Solace in Shared Experience
The pain is still there, but Ilona Lütth and Patricia Gerstendörfer can laugh again. They sit together on two wooden chairs and smile at each other. Their friendship is shaped by a common traumatic experience: both lost people to suicide.
Ilona recalls the questions she asked Patricia after losing her husband to suicide six years ago. "I asked Patricia all the questions I didn’t dare back then," says Ilona. "Do I need therapy now? Can I continue to work? Can I manage without medication? Patricia encouraged me to do what felt right." Ilona headed the customs department of a medium-sized company at the time, and the distraction of work helped her regain a sense of normality.
Help Yourself by Helping Others
Ilona quickly realized she couldn’t handle her loss alone, so she looked for help. A neighbor told her about a self-help group in Berlin, where she met Patricia, who has been a volunteer for over 10 years. "I felt terrible in the first year," Patricia recalls. "There was only pain and horror. It took a long time before I could feel real grief."
The self-help group meetings take place regularly in an old building in Spandau, a historic district on the outskirts of Berlin. The wooden table is loaded with coffee, tea, chocolate, and tissues, and brochures and flyers about aid programs are available. Ilona and Patricia are now both volunteers for suicide prevention and mourning advice. "Every suicide leaves six to ten people behind, changing their lives," says Ilona. "These are many people who need help."
Coping with Guilt and Trauma
After her husband’s suicide, Patricia felt guilty, wondering if she could have saved him if she had only taken an earlier train home. "I thought I hadn’t received him alive, but he deliberately chose a time when I was 600 kilometers away," she says. "It took me a long time to remove something from the feelings of guilt." Patricia found purpose in the self-help group, and after a few years as a participant, she took over as director.
The Male Suicide Epidemic
Many of those who die from suicide are male, as in the cases of Patricia and Ilona’s husbands. This is no coincidence: globally, about three-quarters of all suicides are committed by men, according to several studies. "The older men get, the greater the suicide risk," explains Ute Lewitzka, a professor of suicide studies and prevention at Goethe University Frankfurt. Men are also less likely to seek help when they have suicidal thoughts, she says.
Breaking the Silence
Suicide is not a contemporary phenomenon, but the way we talk about it can have a significant impact. Lewitzka explains that media reports can have positive effects, such as sharing stories of people who have experienced suicide crises but have overcome them. "Stories of people who have experienced suicide crises but have overcome them and what helped them are actually protective," she says. "This is the so-called ‘Papageno effect.’" In Mozart’s "The Magic Flute," the bird catcher Papageno is considering ending his life, but three boys appear and encourage him not to, and Papageno decides to live.
Seeking Help
If you suffer from severe emotional stress or suicidal thoughts, do not hesitate to seek professional help. There are resources available to support you, regardless of where you live in the world. Reaching out for help is the first step towards healing and finding a way to cope with the pain of losing a loved one to suicide.
