Introduction to the Problem
Many heterosexual male customers come to my practice and admit that they have selected their partner without considering the sexual attraction. During the therapy sessions with his partner in the room, the man will say that he does not know why he does not experience any desire. Maybe it is stress, low testosterone or anxious.
The Real Reason Behind Lack of Desire
But when I meet him individually, he often tells a different story. He tells me that he chose his partner without prioritizing the sexual attraction. Why should a person choose a potential life partner without feeling the spark of sexual attraction? And can these relationships survive and thrive? Can something like sexual attraction that was not there be later cultivated?
The Importance of Sexual Attraction
I spoke to many men in their thirties who told me: "When I found the woman I wanted to marry, she checked all the boxes except one." The characteristics on this list include "My best friend", "will make an amazing mother", "Our friends and families understand each other so well" and "she really loves me". That one box that was not checked? Sexual attraction – and often men have not even listed this quality to start.
The Role of Societal Expectations
Sexuality is the only thing that really distinguishes a romantic relationship from a platonic difference: I think it is a kind of "relationship adhesive" that helps couples to stay together in difficult times. That is why I am confused that so many people devalue sex in choosing a partner for a long-term relationship. Research shows that physical attractiveness is one of the most important features that people want in a romantic partner, but it does not top the list for men or women.
The Consequences of Lack of Attraction
Some men have internalized a "madonna-whore" supervision of women: those who make great women and mothers and those who are sexually adventurous. I have observed this in male patients who are traveling in the dating world and feel the pressure to choose someone that they feel material as a "woman", but without sexual attraction, instead of waiting to find a partner who fits both emotionally and sexually.
Growing Attraction Over Time
Some of my therapist colleagues warn against placing too much emphasis on the importance of immediate sexual attraction. Admission can grow when you get to know someone and experience an increased closeness and connection. For some couples, sexual desire can grow over time if they concentrate on it. It is often only in our 30s that we make ourselves comfortable enough to ask what we want in bed.
Navigating Low Sexual Attraction in Relationships
What should you do if you and your partner don’t have sexual steam? Or if you want to turn on the heat in a relationship with which you didn’t have any at the beginning? Only partners can find out how best to master this challenge in their relationship. Non-monogamy may work for some, but not for others. Couples have to decide how honest with each other, how much this matter a dealbreaker is when it stays together, and not how much weight should be given to this problem in view of other good things that they have for them.
Conclusion
Do not feel that everything is lost when you are in a long-term relationship. For some couples, sexual desire can grow over time if they concentrate on it. Many couples in their fifties can research and expand their sexuality thanks to maturity and empty nests. And remember that your sexual health is a barometer of your general health. So if you really experience an inexplicable decline in sexual interest, you should speak to your medical provider. Regardless of the source of her lack of sexual interest, it is simply in advance with your partner. As it turns out, honesty can be switched on.
